How Could You Do This To Me?
by BearFeetz
Summary: A griefstricken Collins writes a letter to a justdeceased Angel, taking out all of his sorrow and anger on him.


Author's Note: Wow. This is bitter. I mean, WHOA. This is bitter. Okay, all of you pretty much know that I portray Collins as a very gentle, soft spoken, innocent sweetheart (after the first guy I saw play him...have no idea who he was though). Yeah. Not here. Ahem. I mean, it's still the same guy, and you can kinda tell with the writing style, but yeah....he's a bit pissed. He's not so "sweet" here, not anymore. So it's gonna seem a bit strange coming from me. Anyway, I've been wanting to write this for awhile, so....here she is! A totally different take from how I normally do things, yet...oh well. Enjoy! I guess....

"My Dearest" Angel,

Wow. Pretty pathetic, huh? You know, I don't even know why I'm bothering to do this at all. It's not like it's going to do anything. The therapist said something about it "releasing my grief" and "letting my sorrow out," or some other crap like that, but when you get right down to it, the bottom line is, writing this damn letter isn't going to bring you back to me. Not that I'd want you back. Oh no, not after what you've done.

So how is it "up there?" Huh? Well, all I can say is that I hope that it's all it's cracked up to be. That had better be the best damn place in the whole God damn universe, as a matter of fact, because that would be the only reason that I can think of as to how you could possibly leave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You "died." Oooh. Poor baby. You didn't "choose" to leave, it was "your time to go," right? Uh huh. Yeah. Well, let me ask you this, "my love," did you ever stop, even for a second, and think about how that would make _me_ feel? 

How DARE you?! Just who the hell did you think you were, just waltzing right into my life like that with those God damned eyes and that warm smile? Where do you get off, huh? Who gave you some divine right to just come right in and talk to me with that angelic voice, to laugh that beautiful laugh, to make me feel the touch of all that warm, soft skin against my hands and face and lips, to make me smell that beautiful scent of yours? How could you, my Angel? How could you just make me fall that deeply in love with you, make me breathe every breath of air for you, make everything I do be for you, make me willing to die for you, and then just up and leave like that? Huh?

You should have stopped me. You should have. When you saw what was happening, you should have stopped me. Stopped us. Yeah, I don't CARE if you "reciprocated the sentiment" or any of that garbage, do you realize that if you had stopped me from feeling all the feelings I was, none of this would have happened? How selfish could you be? Okay, so what if you wanted me as much as I wanted you? So what if you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life? We should have—YOU should have put an end to it right when you began to see where it was going. We could have saved ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain, don't you think? IT WAS A MISTAKE!

Yeah, you heard me. It was a mistake. Our entire affair was just one huge, cosmic error. I regret it. Do you hear me? I regret every single thing. I regret every kiss, every word, every touch, every loving look, every time we made love. I regret it ALL. I would take it back if I could. You were a mistake. A huge, huge mistake that I wish I had never made. Yeah, that hurts, doesn't it? GOOD! **_How does it feel?!_**

How could you do this to me? I don't even want to LIVE anymore, my Angel! I hate the world! I hate everyone in it! I hate you!

I HATE YOU!

What's left for me now, huh? God dammit, why did I ever have to set my eyes on you? Why? And now, here I am, completely alone, and do you know how I spend my days? Crying. Doing nothing else. Just sobbing. It hurts! It hurts so much, physically! It's an ache, a horrible ache in my chest and in my head....and you know what's hilarious? I would commit murder if it meant holding you just one more time, even though I hate you more than anything in the world right now! Talk about ironic, huh?! 

Every day, I have nothing to think about but the memories. Your smell, your taste, your touch, the way you felt pressed against me, it's making me crazy. I really feel like I'm going insane. And it's all your fault, my Angel. It's ENTIRELY your fault, for just coming into my life, helping yourself to my heart and MAKING me fall in love with you like that. You MADE me love you. And God, do I despise you for doing it.

Every breath I take smells like you. Every face I see is yours. Every sound I hear is your voice. But you don't care, do you? You know what, I wouldn't be surprised if you were the one behind it all! You're probably up there on some fluffy little white cloud, laughing down at the loser who you got to devote his entire existence to you, pulling on little marionette strings, making sure that each and every little thing that reminds me of you crosses my path non stop. You're probably hysterical over the big cosmic joke you played of getting me to live and breathe for you, and then just leaving me in the dust to pick up the pieces and SOMEHOW figure out a way to get through each day without you.

You were the first and only one to ever touch my heart, or my soul. My first "real" relationship. I remember how much you loved knowing that. You always told me that my innocence and my purity were the most beautiful things about me. Well guess what, "baby," I don't have either of them any more. They were in my heart. And since you just kinda RIPPED it out when you decided to take your little trip up to paradise, I'm afraid I no longer possess those "beautiful" qualities. You robbed me of any and all love and warmth I could ever feel for anything when you left. 

I don't think I've ever been so angry at anyone or anything in my life. No, I KNOW I never have. And I never will be. My therapist says that one of the main things I need to do is "forgive you for dying." Let me be the first to personally assure you that that will NEVER happen. You got it? That will NEVER, EVER, **_EVER_** happen. I will never forgive you, my Angel. NEVER, you got it?! After what you've done, you don't deserve to be forgiven. And just a little tip—if you're ever back on this earth again, stay the hell away from me. Got it? I don't want to have anything to do with your eyes, or your smile, or your skin or your smell or your touch ever again. Okay? I'm not interested. It's like they say—fool you once, shame on them, fool you twice, shame on you. You fooled me. Shame on you. But I won't let you do it again! I WON'T!!!

Oh, God, my baby....

Why did you have to leave me? Why? How can I ever go on without you, live without you?

How could you do this to me?

Tom 

A/N: Isn't that so unlike me? Wow. I mean, wow! This is some depressing stuff...I'm not sure I like it. Oh well, I gave it a try, so at least I can now say that I don't write ONLY mushy gushy goo Collins/Angel stuff.

And for the record...to all the people who are going to like, cry and scream about how I could be so mean, FYI, Collins doesn't mean any of the things he is saying here.  But when the love of your life dies, well, you're not exactly thinking rationally and you say a lot of things you don't mean (i.e. regretting the relationship) and place a lot of blame on people who aren't at fault.  Just thought I'd point that out.  =) 

Dedicated to Casey, who has not seen a single bit of my work in like, 6 months... ::cringe::


End file.
